To show mercy means to have compassion for someone who should be punished or could be treated harshly. It means showing undeserved forgiveness or kindness. Mercy is given by a person in authority, who is also often the one who has been wronged. To show mercy is to offer relief to someone in a miserable state.
When we are angry, it’s sometimes our natural reaction to want to hurt the one who hurt us. But if you have mercy, you don’t blame, shame, or punish, even if they deserve it.
If it is deserved, it is not mercy.
Mercy sets the wrongdoer free from the fear of punishment. It allows them instead to be perfected by love.
As I John 4:18 put it, “There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.”
The Difference Between Mercy And Grace
To have mercy is to have compassion on someone who is in some unfortunate state – whether facing hardship or condemnation. It includes easing suffering, lifting burdens, and removing debts.
To show grace means to give undeserved kindness to anyone. It can be a gift, blessing, or showing favor. There is no sense that someone is in a sort of bad state, necessarily. In the biblical texts, there is a sense of God taking the initiative to reach out and lean towards you.
It’s God’s grace that leads Him to show us mercy. His love and desire for our good, that leads him to mercifully bind up our wounds and heal our sins.
How to Show Mercy In Parenting
Parenting mercifully doesn’t mean pretending your kids don’t do wrong. It doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior or turning a blind eye. It’s right to be angry when someone sins. Mercy doesn’t deny this, but redirects it.
Showing mercy means turning our anger at sin away from the sinner and towards the wrongdoing. Sin hurts. It is loving to point out sin, to explain why it is wrong, and what the consequences are. “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15).
Scripture tells us to gently confront those who are sinning. “If a man is caught in some fault, you who are spiritual must restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1).
We can gently correct our children by helping them to see consequences without condemnation. When appropriate, we can show mercy by taking the cost upon ourselves, not demanding anything of the other person whether payment or payback. This is what Jesus did for us.
God has made mercy His catalyst for repentance. It is mercy that leads a sinner to repentance (Romans 2:4).
An Example Of Mercy In Parenting
Let’s say one of your kids goes to school forgets their lunch at home. The natural consequence is to allow them to go without lunch. Personally, I’m of the opinion that kids should face natural consequences, but we should also find ways to show them mercy. Showing mercy also means having compassion for the suffering of another. In this case, a way to show mercy is to have money on a school lunch account, so they don’ go hungry.
Another way to show mercy is to clean up a mess that they made. Doing this is showing mercy in taking on the consequences of something your child has done.
In life, God does allow us to face the natural consequences of our mistakes. He does leave our messes for us to clean up. But he also shows us mercy. We do not pay the full price for our sins. We do not stand condemned and He does fix some of our mistakes. So we parents too should follow in this pattern of our heavenly Father.
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What The Bible Says About Mercy
I believe the Bible is best viewed through the lens of the gospel – the life and words of Jesus. Jesus told his followers, “Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy and not sacrifice. For I didn’t come to call the righteous, but sinners” Matthew 9:13. He was referring to Hosea 6:6 and again quotes Hosea 6:6 in Matthew 12:7.
So what are the biblical instructions for believers regarding mercy? What does it mean that God desires mercy not sacrifice?
Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement
James 2:13 (HCSB) tells us to “Speak and act as those who will be judged by the law of freedom. For judgment is without mercy to the one who hasn’t shown mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.”
In the Old Testament law, those who were caught in sin were put on trial. They were judged and required to pay the penalty in order to restore them to temporary good standing. Under the new law of Christ, we are freed from condemnation by God’s mercy. When Christ died on the cross, God took the cost of our sins on Himself because He had compassion on us. It is this mercy that makes us eternally righteous.
This mercy did what judgment, punishment, and sacrifices couldn’t do. Mercy won the epic battle over sin. It opened the door to relationship and connection with God. It made us His children. Mercy triumphed over judgment.
Freely You Have Received, Freely Give
When Jesus sent the disciples out, giving them authority, he told them in part “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give” (Matthew 10:8, NIV).
Given the definition above, that “To show mercy is to offer relief to someone in a miserable state,” we know that Jesus was instructing them regarding showing mercy.
Mercy Leads to Repentance
One of the biggest objections I hear to showing mercy towards children is that it’s going to lead to kids who don’t behave and won’t come to God.
On the surface, this appears to be true. If we let our children live without consequences of any kind, how can they learn? But not letting our children experience consequences ever, is in fact, not merciful at all. As stated above, we are called to gently correct those who sin.
But if it’s repentance you are looking for in your child, you need to incorporate mercy in your parenting. As we read above in Romans 2:4, God’s kindness, (not condemnation) leads us to true repentance. And so your kindness and mercy can do the same for your children.
More Bible Verses on Mercy
The first part of James 2:13 says “For judgment is without mercy to him who has shown no mercy.” We have been saved by God’s mercy. There’s no denying that we are also called to show mercy.
In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said, “The merciful are blessed, for they will be shown mercy” (Matthew 5:7).
When we give mercy to others we reflect the heart of our God Father in heaven. We live out the prayer Jesus taught us to pray “your kingdom come.” Being merciful is living out God’s kingdom principle.
Jesus speaks to this relationship in giving and receiving mercy in Luke 6:36-37, WEB. “Be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful. Don’t judge, and you won’t be judged. Don’t condemn, and you won’t be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free.”
Final Thoughts What It Means To Show Mercy
If you want to love your children well, you must include mercy. Love is perfected by mercy. And the one who is forgiven much loves much in return (Luke 7:47). Mercy builds our children up in love.
My favorite quote on mercy (outside of the Bible) is from Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer was a pastor who had compassion for those being treated harshly, and so he died standing up against the Nazis.
He gave me comfort, forgave all my errors, and did not find me guilty of evil. When I was his enemy and did not respect his commandments, he treated me like a friend. When I did him wrong, he returned to me only goodness.
I can hardly fathom why the Lord loves me in this way, why I am so dear to him. I cannot understand how he managed to and wanted to win my heart with his love, all I can say is: ‘I have received mercy.”
–La fragilità del male, raccolta di scritti inediti
– Excerpts from my book, “Parenting in Christ: Lessons from the Parables”
Find this helpful? Check out:
Gentleness in the Bible & How to Teach It To Your Kids
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Larry Noland
November 2, 2017Great post. But, I do believe that we as Christians are called to judge another brother (or sister) who is living in sin. With, Christian love and not condemning them.
Thanks!
Christina Dronen
March 22, 2018I think we are called to judge each other’s behavior and to call fellow Christians into repentance and right living – but yes, absolutely with love. It would be unloving to allow someone to continue in destructive living without trying to guide them back to truth, health, and right living.
Eugene Patrick Devany
December 11, 2021The thinking about Christian mercy (and repentance) in the above article is more advanced than most but not quite there.
I am an attorney who writes quite a bit on Quora. I have come to the conclusion that punishment in all its forms is the curse of civilization. The first line of this article refers to “someone who should be punished or could be treated harshly” as if this would be acceptable to Jesus Christ. Are you afraid to question the need for punishment? Even secular research in operant conditioning has come to the conclusion that punishment is always abusive, unpredictable, counterproductive, and ineffective at guiding behavior. The further reference to “undeserved forgiveness or kindness” seems to contradict the obligation to forgive mistakes and tresspasses in the Lord’s Prayer and elsewhere.
Justice is a two part process of fairly identifying those who need held (the guilty, mentally disturbed, ignorant, or simply naughty). The weightier part of justice is mercy and it should never be confused with leniency. Mercy is help that enables normal people to set things right.
““If your brother sins [commits a crime] against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. [“Won over” suggests a voluntary restitution or remedy. It also suggests situations and circumstances where a dialogue is a reasonable approach].
If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses. [More complex and difficult situations will often require experienced intervention and mediation and not necessarily more evidence if the objective facts are not in dispute. The focus is on getting the person to “listen” to the point of agreement that wrong was done, help (education, therapy, etc.) is needed, and restitution or remedy may be appropriate].
If he refuses to listen to them, tell the Church [District Attorney]. If he refuses to listen even to the Church [judge and jury], then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector [ostracize, deny privileges and freedom of membership. The treatment is not punitive as in harmful, but it withdraws rewards and free movement in society. This might be better understood in terms of contract, license and association].
Mercy uses tools to help with self-discipline like loss of privilege, compensation, therapy, close supervision, education, agreement, etc. Mercy offers help rather than harm, discipline rather than punishment. People in need of supervision should get all the help they need – no more and no less.
Christina Dronen
December 13, 2021Hi Eugene- Thank you for the very in-depth response!! I’m sure you have a particularly unique perspective in practicing law.
When I said, “someone who should be punished or could be treated harshly” – I’m talking about primarily in the world’s view – or even possibly if you held to Old Testament Law.
Secondly – this website is Gentle Christian Parenting – so we don’t agree with using punishment. We stand by the belief that all punishment has been taken on by Christ.
I’m not sure what you’re getting at with your issue the “undeserved forgiveness or kindness.” Perhaps the word unmerited would fit better? The point being that mercy is about the person giving it- not about the recipient having earned it.
I don’t know that I agree with your placing the church in the DA & judge seat. I’ll have to ponder that one more.
I disagree that anything forced or taken away (that’s veering into punishment IMO) – such as “loss of privilege, compensation,” etc. helps with self-discipline. That response usually breeds resentment, not growth. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and, a choice that God calls us to. It comes from within & in partnership with the Holy Spirit- it’s not birthed by worldly punishments.